rambling

Detachment

I don’t quite understand how we can detach as humans. I’ve been reading a book about codependency which suggests that codependents need to detach and let go. I feel like it just goes against natural human psychology.

I guess I get it, I’ve wanted and needed to control everything I possibly can in my life since my hospitalisation last year. I crave control. I need it. It makes me feel safe and secure in an unpredictable world. I take my daily medications, rarely missing my vitamins in order to ensure I’m doing everything I can to help my body.

I think my desire to control everything predates my hospitalisation though. It’s intertwined with the need for security and stability considering I have a fractured relationship with my father. This has led to a series of bad relationships where I feel like I can’t trust any man. I’ve stayed in toxic relationships which were both physically and mentally abusive because it’s all I’ve ever known. Despite wanting to leave many times, I remain stuck in bad relationships because of my inability to detach.

What I don’t understand is how we can detach. I don’t understand how I’ve detached. How could I detach from something within my own body. How could I detach from my own blood. How could I force myself to stop loving when it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. How could I detach from my own baby.

I feel like letting go means losing a part of myself.


Sex

I hate sex. Sex that is devoid of love and passion. I’ve had so much sex that it genuinely doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.

Making love is so vastly different from sex. Although the physical act within itself is the same, the emotional commitment is so much more different, in my opinion at least. Making love requires vulnerability. It means you’ve got to let down all your walls and show another your insecurities. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to have sex with the lights off because I’ve been insecure. I think this insecurity only comes with sex. In loving relationships, I don’t think I’ve felt insecure about my body.

I think sex and making love is difficult when you’ve had unplanned pregnancies in the past. Every sexual encounter that I’ve had since is riddled with fear and anxiety. I can’t be present or in the moment. This fear has been inside for so long I don’t know how to live without it.

I understand the need for sex with no emotional attachments or commitments. Sometimes we just need release without all the other drama.

Sex without love is just that, sex.


Knots

My stomach is in knots. I’ve spent the past hour feeling nauseous. I just want to sleep but I’m not exactly sure what’s keeping me up. Everything is changing.

I feel nervous, like I’ve got a big presentation tomorrow or an exam. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat.

I want comfort. To be held, to be kissed and told it’ll work itself out, life will be okay. But that’s a lie, the uncomfortable truth is sometimes things aren’t okay.

I’m not okay.

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